Post Academic

This week I’ll be providing tips to post academics who may be navigating a Hamster office for the first time. Some rituals will be new to you, and they haven’t been covered in Hamster books, nor are they as droll as the issues that arise on “The Office.”

We’ll start with a frequent Hamster World issue: the office romance. Arnold has noted before that academics tend to breed with academics. I met my own spouse while in grad school at UCI. Pairing up is seen as normal, or at least inevitable. Even a few professors start fishing in the grad student dating pool, though some are more successful than others.

If you are moving from academia to the Hamster World, you will soon discover that the Hamster Workplace is not–I repeat, not–a good place to find a date, no matter what TV shows tell you. Why?

People become less attractive when you spend 8 hours a day with them. The dude who eats the stinky lunch every day of the week? The woman who is always shrieking about her computer problems yet who refuses to learn Ctrl-Alt-Delete? The guy who keeps mooching all your office supplies? The woman who left a diaphragm in the wastebasket of the ladies’ bathroom? (true story) No thank you! Romance requires a little distance. If you work a Hamster gig with someone, you’ll feel like you’ve been married for 50 years, even if you’ve only worked together for a week.

More reasons to be careful with love in the workplace after the jump! Comic book cover image from Wikimedia Commons, public domain.

HR will not be amused. You can get away with fraternization in your grad program because you are students and HR is too busy making sure everyone else is following the rules. A Hamster World HR person will be focused on you. Read your manual carefully if you start dating someone you’re working with because rules vary from company to company. Chances are, you won’t miss the rules because big companies make you attend seminars that tell you not to reach out and touch your colleagues.

If you can’t resist, you cannot act like you are together. At all. Ever, though you are bound to slip at some point. In a grad program, everyone seems equal, but it’s not the case in the Hamster World. But in the Hamster World there’s higher stakes. For starters, unless you’re working for the government, you’re not going to know what others are making. You’re not going to know as much about each other’s projects. Even if you have an unblemished moral track record, some office gossip is going to assume that you are sleeping your way up.

You will eventually need to change jobs if it gets serious. So the rest of the office is cool if you are dating, and you find that you and your partner are in it for the long haul. Congratulations! But prepare to send out your resume if one of you gets promoted or something changes in your workplace status. Any change in the power differential can disrupt your workplace and irritate former allies. You know how pissed off people get about spousal hires and academic nepotism? It applies in the Hamster World, too, only they are more likely to actually do something about it instead of talk behind your back.

Along those lines, the academic world and the Hamster World do share one common rule: Do not date outside your peer group. You don’t date the students you teach, and professors or bosses shouldn’t be hitting on you. Your subordinates are not your dating pool. Dating outside your peer group makes you look sleazy, even if your love is pure and it is not your intention. It may also reflect poorly on the object of your affection. If you are desperate for a date and can’t find anyone single in your peer group, put in a little effort and try match.com.